Lessons Learned In Two Years Of Marriage

November 16, 2006

Two years ago today, Masood and I sat in a lovely mosque in Sharjah with our family and friends, and signed a piece of paper that legally binded us in the beautiful bond of marriage.  With much apprehension, hope and love, we embarked on a journey that’s blessed by Allah.  Like all newly weds, both of us were as scared as we were excited.  This was a union arranged by our elders, who were right there at the moment with us, with tears of joy in their eyes and prayers on their lips.

In these two years of marriage, we have both grown up emotionally and spiritually, Alhumdulillah.  Because Masood is an elder child and orphaned at an early age, he has matured ahead of his time.  On the contrary, I am my father’s princess and have been spoiled a lot.  Therefore, it was Masood’s emotional maturity that helped us breeze through the early phase of our married life.

I, on the other hand, took my sweet time learning.  So, in our two years of marriage, I have learned that:

There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, there are only perfect moments.

We argue.  There are moments wherein we don’t speak to each other for an hour.  There had been several occasions of misunderstandings.  We had exchanged those I’m-mad-at-you glances.  But at the end of the day, when we make up, these matters don’t bother us.  We have practiced, right from the start, to cherish only the perfect moments of our lives.

Spiritual commitment is essential.

There is absolutely no peace and blessing in a home wherein religion isn’t practiced.  The souls of people living under one roof without practicing religion are just like cold, empty houses.  They are alive, but not living.  At the end of the day, they feel defeated and lost.  To raise a family with strong values, a couple must always make religion the backbone of their relationship.  Masood and I try to offer our prayers together as often as we can.  And we discuss matters pertaining to Islam often, so that both of us grow together spiritually.

My husband is designed by Allah to lead our family.

A lot of women may disagree, but I have found comfort and peace in taking a step back and letting Masood take charge of our family.  He is literally the head of our family.  He is in charge of our finances, housing and security matters.  He even makes sure that we try to live an Islamic way of life as much as possible.  As far as I’m concerned, even now that I’m working, taking charge of our home remains my main responsibility.  My priorities are still keeping our home in order, make sure we have clean clothes, and decent meals.  Masood is not obligated to help around the house, just like I’m not obligated to earn a living.  It is purely out of love and respect for me that he volunteers to help me with my chores, for which I am truly grateful.

My husband can not meet all of my emotional needs.

I tend to get very emotional, specially during those special days of the month.  More often than not, I expect Masood to know how exactly I’m feeling, without me having to tell him anything.  And when I find him confused, I get mad.

Sometime last month, I told him to be prepared because I might be emotional for a week.  “What am I supposed to do when you have those mood swings?” he asked, probably wanting to know how he can breeze through days like these.  “Well, just give me some time alone.  I might just be quiet, but I’ll be fine on my own in an hour or so,” I told him.  Then, when I did get emotional, he didn’t talk to me and kept himself busy with his work.  “Why are you ignoring me?” I cried, “I feel so alone.”

I’ve learned that my husband can’t read my mind all the time.  He’s also a human being, dealing with his own emotional struggles.

Love is a four-lettered word spelled as G-I-V-E.

This isn’t easy, because it is human nature to expect something in return.  I love my husband and I definitely want him to love me in return, but as time passes by, I’m concentrating less on “wanting love” in return and focusing more on “giving” him unconditional love.

Work hard with my husband to create financial security.

Just because a man is held responsible for the finances doesn’t mean that a woman should care less.  Masood is financially capable of supporting me and providing us with a decent life, Alhumdulillah.  I am working because I want to make use of the education on which I had worked so hard to achieve and also to help save some money for our future.  Dubai is a very expensive place to live in, and being able to help contribute financially makes me feel good about myself.  Even if I wasn’t working, I would still have helped creating financial security by spending my husband’s money wisely and living within our means.

Not to complain about my husband to family and friends.

Let’s say Masood and I have an argument.  I am hurt and I go to my parents or friends to “let it all out”.  They listen to me and offer me kind words, probably help me deal with the situation at hand as well.  Very soon, I’m over the entire matter and back in my husband’s arms, smiling and happy.  My family or friends, however, won’t be able to forget this as easily as I would.  They will continue to harbor the negative feelings about my husband for a longer time.

Effective communication is based on honesty.

The main element of compromise, I have learned,  is openness to my husband’s point of view and maintain good and honest communication when differences arise.

If he has a problem, it’s my problem too.

I can’t go on with life pretending nothing’s wrong just because it’s my husband who has a problem to deal with and not me.  There are certain issues which may be specifically my husband’s problem, like issues related to his job or friends.  But I know he appreciates it when I care enough to ask and listen to things that bother him.  Everyone needs a good friend to confide to.  I want to be that friend to my husband.

I am more conscious about my physical appearance.

I work hard to maintain an ideal weight and look good, specially to please my husband.  I want him to come home to an attractive wife, not a worn-out, exhausted-looking woman who needs a shower.  Speaking of which, hygiene is extremely important.

Marriage needs to be nurtured.

Marriage is like a delicate bud that needs to be nurtured gently in order for it to bloom into a lovely flower.  Masood and I love to analyse our relationship often, looking into how we can improve ourselves further.  We also act like kids sometimes, making each other laugh and just enjoy the moment.

The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes ~ Amy Grant

 

And by the way, this is my 100th post!