Fighting Fairly In Marriage

How you and your spouse fight is actually the key to whether or not you will have a successful, long term marriage.  This is a critical skill that you must learn.  If you do it the right way, conflicts and fair fighting, can help strengthen your marriage.
Time Required: No More than 15 minutes — at that point call a “time out” and set a time to discuss the issue again.

Procedure:

  1. Don’t ever let little things that bother you build up until one of you explodes the issue into a large fight. Clear up misunderstandings and grudges as soon as possible.
  2. If you are fuming angry about something, don’t try to talk about it with your spouse within 48 hours, let it go.  Think about the issue first.
  3. If your spouse doesn’t want to discuss the matter, set an appointment within the next 24 hours to discuss things.
  4. You both should know what the issue is. Then, stick to the subject.
  5. Keep your fight between the two of you. Don’t bring in third parties like your mother-in-law, his best friend, or your children, or the neighbor.
  6. Don’t bring up past history.
  7. No name calling.  When you are using a sarcastic tone, even endearing terms and pet names can be hurtful.
  8. Use humor carefully. Laughter is good, but teasing can be misinterpreted and can be hurtful.
  9. Listen to one another fully while you fight:  watch body language and look at one another while you speak.
  10. Don’t blame one another or make accusations.
  11. Try to use ‘I’ sentences instead of ‘you’ sentences.
  12. If the two of you are not extremely angry, try to hold hands while talking during your fight.
  13. Be open to asking for forgiveness and being willing to forgive.

Tips:

  1. Learn to forgive because holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your heart rent free.
  2. Fight for your relationship, not for winning.
  3. Don’t use the words “never” and “always” in your statements to one another.
  4. Do not yell. Do not scream. Do not talk in a threatening tone.

What You Need:

  • Conflict management skills
  • A sense of fairness
  • Putting your marriage first
  • Willingness to forgive
  • Ability to listen
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27 Responses to Fighting Fairly In Marriage

  1. ڈفر says:

    yeh to na larrnay wali bat ho gai na
    hum nai khltay 😦

    ~ Yeh achey bachoun ke larney ka sahi tareeqa hai 🙂

  2. Pingback: Fighting Fairly In Marriage | Tea Break

  3. divorced man says:

    It takes both people to be fair. I had a wife who was so stubborn and blind to reality that any positive outcome was impossible.However I reacted to any situation was twisted and distorted into me being some kind of monster.The reality of it was my wife was a habitual cheater and did this throughout the whole marriage. After I uncovered all of that Everything made sense all the negativity the senseless fights and arguments that were spun to offset her guilt onto me.So folks if you’re fighting allot with your spouse and things don’t make sense LOOK a little deeper and see what’s really going on with your spouse.

  4. Niyaz says:

    salamz !!

    thanks for the tips , it vl be really helpful for guys like us ,..
    better to know all these things before marriage itself 🙂

    ~ Walaikum Assalam.

    Practice staying cool despite all odds 🙂

  5. Ab says:

    You (hopefully) didn’t get into a fight with your hubby!! 😮 😮 😮

    ~ Hehe, no we didn’t. This was a post that was sitting as a draft for the longest time. I was waiting to post this after an argument and include my personal experience, but since it didn’t happen (Alhumdulillah, of course), I just decided to go ahead and post it anyway 🙂

  6. Wakas Mir says:

    Wah ji wah sis.. me noting them down.. one hmm two .. naa ok noting all down 😛

    ~ You’ve been posting a lot of marriage-related stuff on your blog lately. Should I take that as a clue? 😀

  7. Serene says:

    Thanks Nadia! This tips is really helpful. Is this base from your own experience? Truly indeed, that when couples encounter conflicts always remember to have a good communication. Never let them pass without solving it. Otherwise you will accumulate those pains and one day you will burst, and on that moment it will be late to solve the problem.

    Have a great day! 🙂

    ~ I learned most of them from Masood; he’s the most sweet and gentle person I have ever met. Some are advice from family and friends, and the rest are tips that I’ve read in magazines 🙂

    You’re right, good communication is of great importance in any relationship.

  8. Jus says:

    Yes thanks for these tips. I shall definitely FORCE (haha) my husband into reading ur post.

    I’ve always thought that this “Try to use ‘I’ sentences instead of ‘you’ sentences. ” is not quite right. Bcos i can manipulate this tip into saying:

    “I’m the only one who do the chores around here” “I am the one earning a living”

    as opposed to..

    “YOUR demands are reasonable…”

    Hmmm maybe let’s rephrase that tip to… say… Oh i dont know! Im no expert!

  9. masood says:

    Superb! Mind blowing, Fantastic…am I sounding like Himesh Reshamiya?? InshaAllah we hope the fighting day never comes in our life.

    ~ InshaAllah

    And yes, you do sound like a judge at Saregamapa 😀

  10. nadia says:

    Jus,

    Usually, by using “I” you own the feelings and not make your spouse feel attacked. With “You“, you make your spouse feel criticized, instead of feeling sympathy for your own emotions and feelings.

    Example: “I am the one earning a living.” vs “You don’t earn a living.”

    The first statement will evoke sympathy and your spouse won’t feel attacked; the second statement would sound harsh and criticizing.

    In a marriage, you wouldn’t want to sound threatening. Respect is important at all times 🙂

  11. Niyaz says:

    Amazing sister ,

    u can start a consultancy for couples , it vl really works hehe 🙂
    Nice …..
    well , i guess u are a good problem solver …Masood bhai no need to defend at any time 🙂

    ~ Thanks, Niyaz, but marital counseling is a huge headache, not an easy task 😀

  12. lwayswright says:

    good tips. I hate fighting,and conflict. I am pretty much a stuffer and avoid conflict like the plague! So, fighting for me is really difficult.

    ~ Being the stuffer isn’t either easy, it is emotionally unhealthy at some point. So an open, constructive communication is the best way to get around.

    Also, welcome to my blog! Thank you so much for stopping by 🙂

  13. misspecs says:

    Great tips… but i’m not sure i want to try the hand holding one! In a fit of anger, the guy, instead of clenching his fists, may just forget he has my hand in his and break some bones, ha ha. 🙂

    ~ That’s why I said, “If the two of you are not extremely angry…” This tip is for those less-intensity anger moments, because yes, in cases of fuming anger, this may lead to injuries 😀

  14. Ducker says:

    Great post!
    ill try those in my marriage, we dont fight a lot, but then again you never know!

    thanks!!!

    ~ And you’re my first commenter from Guatemala, welcome to my blog! Yes, these tips might just come in handy during “emergency” situations 😀

  15. Stiletto says:

    Great tips. However, I think that often people get married even when there are warning signs in the very beginning. I have no doubt that when people fight like this while they are married, they were probably fighting from the get go. It’s too bad that we allow lust and neediness to get into the way of rational or practical thinking.

    I feel bad for people who are married and with kids and stuck with a spouse they can’t stand. It seems there are more unhappily married people than vice versa. Maybe these tips will help them cope better.

    ~ It’s sad, yet true because a lot of people believe that marriage will eventually solve their existing problems. Even in our culture, where arranged marriages are common, parents of either (or both) the bride or groom think that marriage will make their son/daughter a better person.

  16. wow, I think I do well in this area but it’s good to be reminded of where I make mistakes in handling disagreements. I made a copy of this to keep as a reminder.
    thx
    todd

    ~ And thank you for stopping by my blog 🙂

  17. marlajayne says:

    We never “fight.” Ugh. I hate that word; it has such a negative connotation. However, we do disagree about many things such as finances, children, household chores, and so forth. What we’ve both agreed to do is to ALWAYS do our best to go for a win/win situation, one that mutually beneficial for both of us.

    ~ One of the several definitions of a fight is that it is “an angry argument or disagreement”. But then yes, fight is indeed a negative word. Unfortunately, this is very common with a lot of married couples. I like your rule for a “win/win” situation. In marriage, everything should be mutually beneficial 🙂

  18. Ordinary Girl says:

    I wonder if somehow my fears communicated themselves to you 🙂 My biggest fear is this …when spouses fight! I know its normal for every couple to have their share of diagreements, but I don’t why know I have this fear, that if we have a big argument, our marriage will be damaged forever! 😕 And I KNOW, I’ll be my breath caught somwhere in my chest till we have had a big fight and see our marriage perfectly intact after the dust settles down! 😀

    ~ Having this fear is normal. Before we actually tie the knot, a lot of fears are there to worry us 🙂 But we won’t know for sure how we would react or deal with these fears until unless we take a dive na 😉

    Don’t worry, InshaAllah it won’t get bad. Just follow my tips, hehe 😀

    Oh, and the feeling of making up (even after the mildest of arguments) is very good 🙂

  19. Jus says:

    ohhh ok now i get it. Thanks!

    ~ You’re welcome 🙂

  20. Haleem says:

    of course there are some fights where it’s more fun to make up!

    ~ Indeed 🙂

  21. Raahbar says:

    Interesting tips 🙂
    I’ll try to follow after my marriage 😛

    ~ Thank you. And when exactly is this auspicious day? 🙂

  22. Raahbar says:

    by the way, ye tips kisi ne aazmai hain? 😀
    I can’t live without fight… hehehe…

    ~ Aazmaayein huwe hain, tabhi tho we only have had “subtle arguments”, and not anything loud and scandalous 😀

  23. Goonga says:

    mm good thumb rules but things could get worst per social and family norms but thats too not big worry. In our society there are usual “nok jhok” amongst many couples without any raeson; thats their love for each other:). So the importance of issue and to which extent fight has gone are only parameters which decide severity of event. Divorced man is right if this happens frequently then its dangerous, otherwise it not a big worry for once or twice in decade.

  24. Mary says:

    I love #’s 1 and 2 in your tips! I thought you went to school for some kind of medicine, not marriage counseling. You’re really good. What do you charge per hour? LOL

    Take care, Nadia.

  25. sonia says:

    Besides, it’s not meant to be easy is it? Otherwise surely it is cheating, and why would you cheat God?

  26. sonia says:

    oops sorry this is in the wrong place!

    ~ Hehe, it’s okay, Sonia. But where exactly was this comment supposed to be?

  27. alfaprima says:

    How to Gain Your Partner’s Respect While Driving your Points Home

    New! Fair Fighting will give you the tools to be able to discuss the most difficult issues, and at the same time build respect and trust. It’s almost an unfair advantage (but your partner will love you more for this!.
    Fair Fighting For Couples:
    http://www.positiveconflicts.com/FairFightingForCouples/

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