My dear son,
I’m writing this slow because I know that you can’t read fast.
As you probably know by now, we don’t live where we did when you left home. Your father read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of our home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house number when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure if it works so well, though. Last week, I put in a load of clothes and pulled the chain, we haven’t seen the clothes since.
The weather isn’t so bad here. It only rained twice last week: the first time for three days, and the second time for four days.
Regarding that coat you wanted me to send, your father said that it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so I cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Your younger brother locked the car and forgot the keys inside. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Also, your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know whether you’re an uncle or an aunt.
Oh, and your uncle fell into a swimming pool last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
I am now closing this letter and will share more good news with you soon.
P.S. If this letter does not reach you, please let me know. I will send you another. Oh, and about that money that you wanted me to send with this letter, I am sorry but I have already closed this letter. I will send it next time.
~ This was emailed to me by a friend, and thought it was pretty hilarious.